INTERNET DATES FROM HELL Read online

  If You Are a Woman Seeking a Man

  First, it is a must to post a recent head shot. Have the photo taken with a simple background, minus any distractions such as people or signs. Wear a simple top; black or white is best. Don’t do your hair big, don’t put on too much makeup, and don’t wear anything too sexy unless you want only men who are looking for sex to answer your ad. Smile in your photo and show that you are approachable. If you are slim, include your weight. List what you do for a living. Include interests and pastimes. Most importantly, state what you are looking for in a mate. Post the ad and see who responds. I wouldn’t recommend answering any ads if you are looking for a conventional committed relationship. Instead, let the man approach you first and then respond. Look at other women’s ads and see how they are written, and then write yours differently. Your ad should be light and breezy, not heavy. The ad should not contain the following words: marriage, ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, or sex. These words are too heavy, and men don’t really want to read ads that are emotionally heavy. Below are two sample ads: a do and a don’t.

  Do—be descriptive, show that you are fun and interesting, be unique like no other. This one is looking for a sophisticated gentleman with class and style.

  ______________________________________

  5’8”, fit, athletic, brunette, green-eyed, attorney, 34 years old. I have been described as cute, have a great smile and enjoy laughing. I am passionate about skiing in Vermont, sailing, dancing barefoot, world travel, wreck-diving 100 feet below, and exploring NYC. I am seeking a committed relationship with an educated self-sufficient Christian or Catholic 30-40-year-old professional. Photo a must.

  Don’t—be negative, sound like a gold digger or like you are full of yourself. This ad will only get low class or sexually deviant responses.

  ______________________________________

  5’8”, hot brunette, green-eyed attorney, 34 years old. I am gorgeous and have a great body. I like to ski, boat, dance, and take vacations. I am looking for a handsome rich guy to spoil me rotten. No Games Please. Losers need not reply.

  After you receive a response from someone you wish to contact, you should not rush to respond immediately. Wait between eight and twelve hours to write back. Don’t respond on a Friday or Saturday night because it will give the impression that you are lonely or desperate. You want a person to think that you are social and busy and that Internet dating is just a small part of your life. It is much more desirable for someone to think that you are popular and out and about and living your life, rather than being home in your pajamas on a Saturday night, waiting with baited breath for a response from your ad. Also, when you respond back, limit your e-mail message to a few lines, such as “Thanks for responding. I too think we may have a lot in common. What’s the next step?” The object at that point is to get to know the person via phone and face-to-face, not to begin a pen pal relationship.

  Use your ad and e-mail only as a tool toward a more reality-based introduction. Hopefully, he will write back asking for your phone number. Then you can give him your cell number and have him call you and ask you out on a real date. Men do like to pursue and, by calling you, they feel as if they are in charge. If you wish to call him instead, you can request his number and then block the number that you are calling from by pressing *67. When you speak with him, keep it under thirty minutes. You should be able to detect any negativity in that amount of time. If he puts down others or his ex or if he complains about anything, tell him that you have to go and will talk soon. You will not want to meet him if he’s still upset or mad over his ex or is a negative or complaining person. If the conversation goes well and the guy asks you out, suggest that you meet for coffee or tea. Coffee is quick and you can get out of the date in less than one hour. Also, make sure that you choose a meeting place that is close to where you live. A thoughtful man will make the first move and come to you. If not, he’s used to getting his way and you will not want to meet him anyway. Also, cab fare and gas can get very expensive for one coffee. If he asks you out, he should pay. Make sure that your first date is during the daytime or twilight and in a crowded place. Let a friend know whom you are meeting and give your friend your date’s phone number. Let her know that you will call her when you return from the date, as a safety precaution. End the date after one hour, even if it is going well. Even before the date, you can mention that you have plans or something to do later that same day. He can always make a future date with you. If you sense that it is not going well or you don’t like him, don’t worry—there are plenty of fish in the sea.

  If it does work out and your date seems interesting, then by all means, go out with him again. Wait at least three days. Back-to-back dates become boring and he may lose interest if you are too available. Don’t e-mail or call him unless you are returning his e-mail or calls. You don’t want to seem too desperate. As much as the guy likes the girl, it becomes annoying if she calls too much. He may lose interest quickly. Too many relationships end because one person smothers the other and leaves nothing to the imagination. You should still live your life, go to the gym, and meet friends for dinner in between dating. There is nothing worse than a guy thinking a woman has no one else but him.

  If You Are a Man Seeking a Woman

  First, you should have a recent photo. Make sure that it is a solo shot of you. Two photos are better than one. You should post one head shot and one body shot. Make sure you are wearing something casual. Jeans and a shirt are fine. Don’t use a main photo where you’re in a suit or a tux because it will look like you are trying too hard or it will attract gold diggers. Don’t use a photo that includes your friends or one taken at a bar. It will look like you are a partier or a player. Don’t use a photo with an ex-girlfriend; this will just make you look ridiculous. Don’t be shirtless or wear a muscle shirt; it will look like you are a Guido or like you are full of yourself. You should be smiling in at least one of the photos, so that you look approachable. Most women don’t respond to ads, since they have a lot of email to deal with. Don’t include your salary; it’s no one’s business, unless you want to meet a shallow materialistic bitch. Write a few things to describe what you like to do, such as hobbies, and what you are looking for. Don’t be negative; keep it light. Below are samples of a do and a don’t.

  Do

  _______________________________________

  Hi, I’m a 35-year-old single male. I am in finance, 6’3”, fit. I don’t smoke, hardly drink. I enjoy spending quality time with my family and friends, quaint B&B’s, sports, long hikes, and much more. I am seeking someone special, who is sweet, caring, family oriented, 28-35.

  Don’t

  _______________________________________

  Single again and looking. I am an average looking guy, 6’3” and 35. I am looking for long sensual kisses and baths. I am not into head games. You must be hot, size 4, age 18 to 25.

  If you are looking for a committed relationship leading to potential marriage, only respond to ads of women who you could visualize being the mother of your children. Don’t write to bimbos, high-maintenance gold diggers, or men haters. Their ads should stand out. If their ads include any of the following phrases, then skip over them: no players, no games, looking for a generous man, I love fine dining and shopping at Bergdorf’s, looking for a hot guy, looking for someone to take care of me, used to the finer things in life, I’m spoiled, I’m open-minded, I’m sexy.

  If you do write to ads that mention the phrases above, you’ll find it to be a total waste of time. These women are out only for themselves and usually have no capacity to be giving or unconditional in a relationship. You will spend most of your time proving yourself and it will drain your bank account. If women write any of the following, beware because they may be very emotionally needy and more trouble than they are worth: connection, dream man, “in the clouds,” intimacy, commitment, ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, “I’ve been hurt,” “emotionally a
vailable,” “in the stars,” searching for the one, I recently broke up a long-term relationship, I believe in love at first sight. In most cases, if a woman brags too much about herself, then she is relying too much on her physical attributes: I am beautiful, I’m gorgeous, I have a great body.

  Choose a woman who can define herself as caring, honest, sincere, cultured, well traveled, artistic, creative, thoughtful, and empathetic. A woman who has developed a personality beyond her looks is a much more suitable mate for a relationship, unless, of course, you want a selfish, self-centered bitch. Beware of a woman who is concerned with being up-to-date with the latest styles and obsessed with working out six days a week. You can tell what someone is obsessed with by how much the person talks about the topic. If someone talks about one topic over 20 percent of the time, then that topic is the person’s obsession. For example, if the woman talks incessantly about her job, then she is very preoccupied with it. If the woman talks about diets constantly, then she is obsessed with dieting and her self-image.

  Helpful Hints

  There are many ways to improve your personal ad. There is the obvious one of including good photos. The more subtle ones are the way that your ad is written. Simply changing a few words can make a great difference. I have listed some suggestions for elaborating on typical hobbies and interests as well as expanding on typical descriptive words that are commonly used.

  Hobbies and Interests

  Instead of This:

  Write This:

  Bike riding

  Cycling through the Tuscan region

  Boating

  Sailing away on a catamaran, island hopping in the Caribbean via sailboat

  Broadway shows

  Theatre

  Candlelight

  Floating candles

  Comedy shows

  Cabaret

  Dancing

  Dancing barefoot in the sand to the sounds of the steel pan, dancing to the rhythm of the drums

  Diving

  Wreck diving 100 feet below, reef diving surrounded by a school of trumpet fish

  Eating out

  Exploring the gastronomy of exotic cuisine

  Fresh flowers

  Enjoying the rainbow of hues in tropical flowers, fresh cut sunflowers

  Golf

  Chasing a little white ball while enjoying everything nature has to offer

  Horseback riding

  Equestrian days through forest trails

  Jogging

  Feeling free as I run two miles by the shore

  Lying on the beach

  Soaking up rays as I feel the silky sand beneath my toes

  Movies

  Films/Foreign Films

  Outdoor dining

  Sharing a panini at a sidewalk café

  Photography

  Creating photographic art

  Reading

  Being taken away as I read every page of a New York Times

  bestseller

  Skiing

  Skiing in Vail at twilight, skiing down a black diamond in Vermont

  Swimming

  Swimming against the waves in ocean waters

  Travel

  Exotic travel to unique locales

  Walking

  Walking in fresh fallen snow

  Working out

  Feeling the rush after bench-pressing 200 pounds

  Descriptive Words

  Instead of This:

  Write This:

  Black

  Noir, midnight

  Blond

  Flaxen, golden, honey

  Blue

  Sapphire, azure, lapis, cobalt

  Brown

  Chestnut, almond

  Classy

  Sophisticated

  Down-to-earth

  Earthy

  Dreamer

  Wanderlust

  Fat, full-figured

  Large, plus size, Rubenesque

  Flirtatious

  Charming

  Funny

  Comical

  Gray

  Salt and pepper

  Green

  Emerald, sea green, turquoise

  Honest

  Forthcoming, sincere

  Housewife

  Domestic goddess

  Interested in …

  Passionate about .

  Interesting

  Fascinating

  Kind, likeable

  Endearing

  Kinky

  Open-minded, adventurous

  Love of life

  Joie de vivre

  Marriage-minded

  Commitment-minded

  Muscular, built

  Buff

  Not living at home

  Independent

  Positive thinking

  Optimistic

  Pretty, attractive, hot, beautiful

  Graceful, outstanding

  Red

  Auburn, scarlet

  Rich

  Self-sufficient, self-made

  Self-absorbed

  Confident

  Sensitive

  Empathetic, perceptive

  Short

  Petite

  Skinny

  Thin, slim, fit

  Smart, intelligent

  Cerebral

  Tall

  Statuesque (for a woman)

  Part IV

  Just for Laughs

  A Sampling of Responses

  Subj: GREAT LOVER

  Date: 11/19/2001 2:16:11 AM Eastern Standard Time

  From: Daddy Warbucks

  To: Follow Your Soul

  Well, this is my last attempt at finding my soul mate if it’s you. I will officially be on a long vacation from meeting and dating if we don’t meet or click. About myself. I’m 42 never married no kids own my own house on the water, financially very secure, basically retired (not to brag but it’s a fact) 6
ft 3 in 265lbs. I’m bald in the middle of my head but I make up for it in brains and soul. If this bothers you then stop reading. If not we will click for other reasons. I’m very giving, unselfish, know how to have a good time and know how to be with someone when they’re sick. Been told I’m funny as well as a great lover. OK now what’s your story?

  Subj: domination

  Date: 08/01/2001 3:59:57 AM Eastern Daylight Time

  From: Houseslave9876

  To: Follow Your Soul

  i would like to introduce myself, i am a submissive looking to serve a dominant woman or a woman who has a dominant personality. i sincerely apologize if i have offended You. If this doesn’t interest You, please just discard this e-mail and i will leave You alone. If i still have Your attention, thank You for continuing. i am an experienced and obedient, service oriented submissive who would like to serve as your personal servant. i have been trained in the art of serving superior women in a nonsexual service capacity. i do all manner of domestic chores: cleaning, dishes, laundry, ironing, kitchen, bathroom, etc. i will clean your house or apartment spotlessly with no strings attached. i am also a serious masochist who enjoys suffering for Your enjoyment.